The English language lacks a standard greeting, leading us into all manner of embarrassing situations. This must change.
A handshake is not always welcome: “Show respect, I am a captain of light industry.” Photograph: Alamy.
Years ago my late grandfather met my school exchange penfriend for the first time. She was an attractive young Frenchwoman. He was a proud patriot who could rarely be persuaded to eat lasagne because it was “foreign muck”. Grandad got confused about his continental greetings and kissed her full on the mouth. She turned to me and hissed: “C’est normal?”. I shrugged in what I imagined to be Gallic fashion. No, it is not normal. Sorry about the lack of dentures. Welcome to England.
Since then, if anything, confusion about greeting etiquette has grown. Sociologist Kate Fox has appealed for the return of “How do you do?”. In the new edition of her book Watching the English she argues that “every other nation on earth” has developed a standardised “hail-fellow-well-met” formula; the English have failed to do so. This is at the root of our shambling nature.
“I know people think that ‘How do you do?’ is an archaic, stuffy, upper classy-type thing to say,” Fox says. “But we really should be mounting a campaign for its revival, because since ‘How do you do?’ declined as a greeting we haven’t known what to say.”
The uncomfortable gap left by “How do you do?” has never quite been filled by “Wotcha”. Now, in our hopeless in-between state, casual, Americanised alternatives are creeping in: “Yo”, “Wassup”, “Word”, “Wasabi”. Not only do we not know what to say, Fox adds – clearly mindful of my grandad – we don’t know what to do either. “We don’t know what to do with our hands. We don’t know whether to kiss once or twice.”
Awkward. We need words precisely because gestures are dangerous. A firm handshake, for example, is not always welcome. It can seem too formal, as if you are secretly trying to transmit the message, “Show respect, I am a captain of light industry.” Add in a hug and/or double – sometimes triple – cheek kiss and you are just spreading anxiety. With this form of greeting you have not “succeeded” unless the recipient is left physically reeling with a look of nausea and resentment on their face.
“How do you do?”, with a slight nod of the head and barely perceptible closing of the eyes, would be so helpful in this instance. It’s neutral, polite, restrained. And you don’t feel like you have to go and wash after it has happened. Best of all, “How do you do?” would give us parity with the practitioners of other languages who have much better greetings than we do.
Virtually every single European language apart from English carries a noble, honest mention of the fineness of the day: “Bonjour”, “Buenos dias”, “Bom dia”, “Buongiorno”, “Guten tag”. So simple and effective. But to say “Good day” in English carries great risk: “Good day to you, sir.” This is surely not an entrance but an exit? “Good day” is useless. There is no poorer way to say “Hello” than one which can easily be mistaken for “Goodbye”.
“How do you do?” is, then, the old-fashioned English equivalent of Joey Tribbiani in Friends saying “How you doin’?” It establishes warmth and interest in the other person; it is friendly, yet restrained. We should, therefore, support Fox’s campaign. It just needs some ground rules. To encourage people past the potentially stuffy, upper class turn of the phrase, as noted by Fox, you should only be allowed to say “How do you do?” in a voice other than your own – Bart Simpson’s cockney urchin, say. The other person then needs to respond in another, different voice, perhaps Borat. Or Joey Tribbiani. Ice broken. Englishness acknowledged. Job done. Good day to you.
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